All posts tagged: control

Confrontation Doesn’t Equal Argument

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  When we are able to put our own ego aside, and give up our need for total control, (even at temporary intervals!) we can come to a place of no longer living to defend ourselves.  It is possible to have meaningful personal relationships in which we don’t have to fight everyone and everything.  Here are 3 quick tools to employ: 1. Choose your battles!  Not every word, retort, or act needs to be addressed.  Let some of them go.  When you do want to make a point on something that matters, it will be more meaningful. Others will listen to you more when you don’t fire off at every opportunity. 2. Maintain an emotional thermometer that you pay close attention to.  When you feel yourself “heating up” employ a couple of “cool down” practices.  You can pause 5 seconds before responding (maybe longer), purposely lower your voice or retreat to another room to regroup. Prayer is a great option as well! 3. Don’t keep going around the “same mountain.”  You can always agree to disagree. That, in …

Even the Best Plans of Mice and Men…

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  Let’s face it. We all have a reaction to our efforts and plans not working out the way we envisioned. It can range from a sense of mild aggravation to coming totally unglued. It’s easy to say just “Go with the Flow”, but the truth is there is a fine line between taking a c’est la vie attitude and recognizing the things that are within our hula-hoop of control. In the little setbacks of the day and the big hurdles of the week, The Serenity Prayer pretty much puts it all in perspective. To paraphrase, it calls upon God to provide us with a sense of peace when it is beyond our control, the fortitude to work through the dilemmas we can, and the discernment to know when to take charge or let go. What about the relationship we prayed so hard to establish and maintain that fizzled out?  We later learn just how wrong that person would have been for us.  We catch every red light on the way to an appointment, only …

Relinquishing Control to the Divine- The Choleric

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  As we’ve previously looked at the Choleric in control, it’s clear that it is a part of their temperament that is highly prized and not easily conceded.  This can be an asset in human  relationships because others appreciate their ability to get the job done. However this “my way or the highway” attitude doesn’t fly with everyone they encounter.  It’s believed that St. Paul was a Choleric, so it makes perfect sense that he had to be struck blind in order to submit to the will of God!  If this temperament is raised in an environment with strong moral values, God is able to use their headstrong manner to do His will. Sometimes it takes a little bit more than the still, quiet voice to get their attention! If a Choleric reaches adulthood and doesn’t have a religious or spiritual anchor, they will run on self-will alone. They are so self-reliant and confident that they feel they don’t really need God at all. Indeed this makes it difficult for them to come into a relationship …

I’ve Decided to Be Indecisive!

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Should I go back to school or just stick with the job I have?  Should I dye my hair red or keep it blonde?  We all have that good friend or family member who can’t decide what they want at a restaurant and defer to the waiter’s suggestion when making a dinner selection. Whether it’s as simple as a food choice or a life changing choice, some people just aren’t comfortable with making a firm decision on their own.  Indecision is the hallmark of the Supine temperament in control. One of the main reasons they relinquish their control in decision making to others is quite simple. If they make a poor choice they can shift the responsibility on to someone else! All of this being said, the Supine in control has many wonderful qualities!  They are very dependable when they are placed in a position of taking charge when they feel empowered.  They are also great enforcers of “policies” set by others, as well as being faithful in following those they serve with absolute loyalty!  The Supine …

“I’m O.K., You’re O.K. Let’s Deal With That Later!”

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Of all temperament types, the phlegmatic is the most stable temperament in control.  They are well-rounded and allow moderate control over their lives and need a small amount of control over others. They get along well with family, friends, and those in the workplace because they don’t struggle with anger, resentment, and destructive emotions. The phlegmatic has good decision making abilities, as well as taking on responsibility. They are equally affected by punishment and reward, so positive experiences as well as negative ones impact their behavior towards others. They are also natural peacemakers and negotiators. While all of these traits sound like the person we would all like to be, the phlegmatic has an Achilles heel. They are procrastinators! This causes them to drag their heels is getting organized or finally committing to a decision. Tending to be slow-movers, there isn’t the need for quick action on much of anything. This could come from the fact that they are down-to-earth people or simply because making a decision require too much energy! They can be quite stubborn …

Are You in That 2% of the Population?

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  “Yes I Will!  On Second Thought, No I Won’t.”  This statement might sound a bit confusing at first glance, and you’re correct in that observation. This is precisely the message sent to others by the Sanguine. In the area of control, the Sanguine temperament practices an all or nothing philosophy. There are times when they are as controlling as the Choleric one day, then swing like a pendulum back to dependence on others. Needless to say this pattern is quite perplexing to the people who know and love them! They are aggressive, responsible, demanding and capable of achieving any task. When this individual doesn’t get the response or praise they seek, they become self–indulgent, drop everything or simply retreat. In other words, this person will volunteer and give their heart and soul to any undertaking as long as others are showing appreciation and giving them accolades. The good news is that the Sanguine won’t stay in the self-indulgent pity party for very long. After a short period of time they begin to recognize this behavior is making them feel …

“Let Me Do My Thing, And Don’t Watch Me!”

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The Melancholy temperament in control is fiercely independent. They will tolerate very little interference in their lives, nor do they need or accept a great deal of advice. On the other hand, they aren’t inclined to offer suggestions or meddle in the lives of others. They are very good at making decisions and assuming responsibility in known areas. This temperament is able to step into leadership responsibility when the position is familiar and they are allowed to proceed at their own pace. Because they tend to be perfectionist, they will reserve many of the tasks in life for their own undertaking. “If you want something done right,  you gotta do it yourself!” The flip side of the melancholy in control is that because of their strong independence, they aren’t willing to be submissive to authority. There is also an element of having more of a need to appear to be in control then actually being in control. For a melancholy in control, it’s far more important to be right than to be  liked by others. There is always a …

“I’ve Got This”

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  As far as issues of control, the choleric in the “Commander–in Chief”!  A choleric really doesn’t know what a daunting situation is. They approach situations and relationships with a great deal of confidence, and commands attention and respect. They tend to be effective in CEO and management positions because they approach projects and tasks in an almost military-like precision. They are able to motivate others and make things happen. Because they set things up in such an organized manner, they choose people to get on board that will do things exactly they way they want it to be done. “It’s my way or the highway!” If you aren’t moving at the same clip as the powerful choleric, you will be quickly left in their wake. While all of these attributes sound great on the surface, the choleric encounters problems with others when they want to exert a little too much force and control over other people’s lives. Because they have difficulty in delegating authority to others, they are also prone to “burn out.” A choleric …

To Control or Not To Control- That’s the question!

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  All of us have basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. When we attempt to meet these needs alone, we are driven by the things of this world. To be alive at all means we are driven to some extent. The problem arises when we are so driven that we demand control of every aspect of our lives. As soon as one need is satisfied, we jump right into the next. What we fail to recognize is the difference between wants and a needs. If we really think about it, our basic physical needs are met for the most part. The elements of our lives that we want to exercise the most control over are our wants.  This usually results in disappointment, resentments and unnecessary stress because it’s basically a bottomless pit! When we turn our will over to God’s love and care, we begin to cease fighting everyone and everything.  This is when great changes can begin to take place. When we stop allowing others to control our thoughts and actions we can allow God to be …

How Issues of Control Affect Relationships

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Let’s face it. There are very few people that enjoy feeling “out of control!” We all like to feel that we are in charge of our lives to some extent. In relationships the issue of control can be a problem when one person demands complete control over another’s decisions, behavior, and with whom the other party chooses to associate. The other side of the coin is when one person completely relinquishes their control to another by refusing to make decisions or swinging back and forth between wanting control and wanting to be controlled. When someone sends mixed messages in this way, it becomes very confusing to others from one day to the next. The APS Temperament Analysis is an extremely accurate indicator of how an individual operates in one of these three scenarios. After making this determination and gaining insight into their motives, a client can begin to affect positive changes in relationships that are “stressed.” Contact us today to see if the APS and the life coaching process can be the path to experiencing …