Month: November 2015

Living in Half Measures

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This is from an old Jewish proverb, but it’s relevant in our lives as much today as it was in past times. How do we compromise and settle for less than we can be? Are there things we fail to say or do. Often times we are living in half measures. We’re just doing the minimum in an attempt to keep our heads above water. It’s the little things that block us from our personal best. It’s all doing the next right thing even when we think it doesn’t matter. Compromise is a great thing when we are trying to resolve conflict with others. Compromise doesn’t work so well with our inner conflicts. Jan M. Drury, M.S., C.L.C.                     jan@lifecoachingpartners.com  

The Dance

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    What’s the payoff in our relationships? As previously discussed, the motives for our actions or lack thereof, is usually based on getting our own needs met. Sometimes the need we have is to be on a rescue mission. Why not?  It feels good right! That’s the payoff, and so begins “The Dance.” We love to save others and seek out those who express weakness or vulnerability. Perhaps we are even the one on the receiving end. In any event, one takes the position of authority while the other isn’t inclined to take much responsibility or initiative. It becomes a toxic tango of sorts. So why do we continue even though the payoff stops giving us the result that we desire? The answer is as varied and complicated as the individuals involved. It usually stems from interactions of family and early childhood. These early relationships, coupled with our God-given temperament, set the tone for how we establish and maintain intimate relationships. The purpose of life coaching is not to “peel back the layers of …

True Love Is Unfailing

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When we think about the elements that make for a great relationship or marriage, we need look no further than the advice given to us in 1 Corinthians 13.  It’s pretty clear cut and concise as to what true and unfailing love looks like. It describes what it is and does in it’s purest form. The passage also goes further in telling it what it shouldn’t look like. Love is patient. (since it’s also a verb, it isn’t passive)                                                                                Love is not proud or self-seeking. (nor should we become a doormat)                                                  Love is not easily angered. (but it is honest about frustration and disappointment)                 …

Looking For a Payoff

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In the business world, achieving success always comes down to the bottom line. What’s the profit margin and net gains? This is certainly as it should be if one seeks to have a have a successful business venture or corporation. In the same way this concept also transfers over to relationships. We may perform kind acts for others, donate our time, and sometimes perform tasks that we would really rather not do. This is all very admirable if we do so out of the goodness of our hearts and without expectations. but sometimes we have a motivation that goes beyond the altruistic. It’s also human nature to want to be on the receiving end, especially when we are feeling a little sorry for ourselves. We’re looking for the “feel good payoff.” The problem is we don’t always get the pay off. We don’t get noticed, or our service isn’t applauded. Some of us who are addicted to drama seek out people that they can “fix”.  The bigger the problem, the better!  In this way there …

Counterfeit Love

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  Let’s be honest. None of us have had a perfect family. In the past we’ve discussed the role play that exists in families to maintain the status quo.  There is the hero, the scapegoat, the mascot, the enabler, and the lost child. (refer to previous articles)  In most cases we are attempting to “Do all the right things for all the wrong reasons.”  Our intentions are good right?  We’re trying to keep the peace after all. What happens is our relationships become emeshed. We don’t know where one person begins and the other person ends., namely ourselves. This is especially true of parent-child dynamics,and these patterns become strongholds continuing on into adulthood. A weak and misguided definition of love causes us to practice patterns of compromising our beliefs and convictions. Through insight and direction given in the life coaching process, we can begin to develop a more accurate and stronger view of love and address manipulative behavior exerted upon us by others. We learn to invite God into all of our relationships, and seek …

Modern Idols

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    We’ve all heard about the worship of idols as it relates to what we think of as pagan rituals. It makes us think of ancient times when people were a little less sophisticated than we are today. The reality is that “idol worship” is alive and well in the year 2015. Anything that takes hold of us in such as way as to separate us from placing God front and center serves as an idol. For some it’s the pursuit of wealth beyond what we need and the workaholic mentality that it takes to attain and maintain that status. For others it’s celebrities and athletes that are raised to an unrealistic level of admiration and obsession. There are those trapped in addictions it takes the form of alcohol, drugs, gambling, food and sex. Some people, especially our youth, devote inordinate amounts of time to social media, basing their identity and value on how many likes they get on Facebook or Instagram. In any event the modern day idols are an attempt to fill …

Perceptions and Conflict

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The source of many of our conflicts stems from our perceptions of what we think we hear. Sometimes it’s the tone of our voice which may sound angry. Often times the other person is venting anger at a situation rather than the individual to whom they they are actually speaking. One of the worst offenders is the email or the text message. We can’t really infer the tone someone is taking in these forms of communication. Hurt feelings can result when the words used are not interpreted as the sender intended. Just like words, once they’re out there, it’s hard to take them back. A great suggestion is to always reserve meaningful communication, or those charged with emotion, for face-to face or verbal exchanges. Temper your words, watch your tone, say what you mean, and mean what you say! Jan M. Drury, M.S., C.L.C.                   jan@lifecoachingpartners.wordpress.com

In the Name of “Love”

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  While we may have relationships that are for the most part healthy and satisfying, we typically have a couple of people that are able to change the rules of engagement. It seldom sits well with us, and in most cases is a source of frustration. It may be a spouse, sibling, child, coworker or boss. It may even be that friend we’ve known since grade school. In any event these strained relationships sometimes push us close to the edge. But we know the “nature of the beast” and it’s become “the known.” Some of these behaviors may sound familiar. You may engage in some of these in order to maintain a relationship: Closing your eyes to irresponsible behavior Enabling a lazy person’s whims; always picking up the slack Caving in to angry, childish demands Making excuses and justifying bad behavior Accepting blame for something we didn’t do Being “guilted” into something we don’t really want to do Reading this list, you may think it is common sense not to allow yourself to be participant …